We at ACE Atheist Chaplain Enterprises have a saying: when the going get tough, you may need a boost to your faith (or lack thereof). Sure it's not a catchy saying, but it is a factual one. You may be new to your atheism, or you may have struggled with holding onto it all your life. But as this New York Times story explains, once you find yourself in a foxhole with Charlie breathing down your neck, you never know when you might be tempted to make a quick conversion, just in case you're looking for a little fire insurance.
Well never fear, because that's where ACE Chaplains come in. Our team of materialistic humanists will be there with you through the thick and thin. Feeling a little guilty because you cheated on your wife with one of the Korean drinking girls? We'll be there to remind you that there's no deity watching us. Can't kick that drinking habit? We'll be there to slip a little rum in your coke in the mess hall - just to get you through the morning. Thinking of browsing through a Bible, "just to see what it says?" We'll be waiting with a stack of pornography to keep your mind off of the so-called "big issues" of life. Maybe you're tired of your watching the guy next to you praying to Mecca five times a day. We'll let him know that's a bunch of nonsense.
At ACE, we know that it takes work to keep you out of the Kingdom of God. Temptations are all around you to draw you into the religious life. You need an advocate who can stand against the spiritual onslaught which you encounter throughout daily life. The Army's no cake walk, what with all the killing and swearing and guilt attached to your daily existence. You need someone to take your mind off of things by pulling you aside, putting an arm around your shoulder, and saying, "Hey! Carpe Diem."
On top of all these great benefits, our skilled chaplains can respond to your deepest doubts by reading the latest Christian "scholarship." Say you're afraid about what if you're wrong and there really is a hell. We're ready with something to think about: "You know, there are Christian theologians who say that hell really isn't even that bad. One of them even says that it's basically this emo place of existential angst that you can eventually get out of if you just start thinking positively. Not that there is a hell, or a God, of course... I'm just saying... if there was..."
Atheist Chaplain Enterprises. We'll be your humanistic influence. God knows you need one.
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Think hard about this: the world is watching!